It’s insane how happy I’ve been. I am so grateful to be alive. I’m so glad I held on and got to this point. Just a reminder that things do get better and to follow your dreams, because it pays off in the most unexpected ways.
Grimes for Rodarte FW18
Dear Life,
I am slowly falling
in love with you again.
Recovering//Conee Berdera (via wordsnquotes)
We do not escape into philosophy, psychology, and art—we go there to restore our shattered selves into whole ones.
Anaïs Nin, In Favor of the Sensitive Man and Other Essays (via wordsnquotes)
Life is so crazy. For 7 years I was so depressed. Was suicidal. Drank too much to forget. Numbed the pain with Percocets. Saw no potential in myself. Was an empty space.
When I hit rock bottom, I decided to say fuck it and try going for my dream. I worked so hard on prepping my portfolio for photo grad school. Then I got my first rejection letter and completely fell apart. Lost all hope.
And then Pratt emailed me asking for an interview. I couldn’t believe it. The school that I wanted to even transfer to as an undergrad was interested in my work. Work of a complete clueless newbie. In that time between the email, the interview and the acceptance letter I got into my first serious relationship. And for the first time felt happy and relaxed.
I was in love. Going to the school of my dreams and the city I was meant to be in.
But. I knew the first part was going to have to end, in order for me to be in the place I had to be in. And undoubtedly it broke me. As extatic as I was, it was one of the most painful goodbyes that I’ve had to say, which turned into an even more painful acceptance of the truth.
For months, the entire first semester if I don’t lie to myself, I was broken. But I was creating work and noticed myself that I was seeing the world in a completely different light, despite my shattered heart. Each step I took and breath I took in Manhattan made me feel so alive and for the first time in my life I fealt like I belong in this place.
The city seamed to respond to me too. It made me feel more beautiful and interesting than I ever fealt. From anonymous notes from strangers in the train, to innocent and honest comments from strangers on the street.
I went to Europe and my mind got even clearer. I gained even more perspective. As I watched my favorite bloggers start preparations for fashion week it dawned on my the promise I made myself when I got accepted to Pratt, to one way or another to work the New York fashion week. I sent out my first email to a designer and landed an internship assisting her in preparations for fashion week.
My head is spinning and I’ve never been so grateful to be alive. I never was the positive type, but no matter how shitty things get things become clearer and have a way of working themselves out. 💪🏼
I didn’t cry. So I already call it a success.
Listen — are you breathing just a little and calling it a life?
Mary Oliver, Have You Ever Tried To Enter The Long Black Branches
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(via wnq-quotes)
man oh man. i really thought i would never love somebody as much as i loved you. i thought when you broke my heart that was it; i would never love or trust again, never laugh freely or be myself or be happy. i thought you’d ruined all my favorite things, every art piece, every special place, every love song.
man oh man. i’ve never been more delighted to be wrong.
It all goes wrong right around here.
When the doctors start looking at
you funny and whispering things
to your mother while you wait
in the hallway and try to understand
what you’ve done wrong.
You think you’ve got it figured out
when you’re eating dinner and
you’re not allowed to get up for seconds.It all goes wrong right around
here: you have poured the windstorm of your chest into the
palms of a boy who smells like pine needles but will never be your lover because he only likes
pretty girls
but one night when the stars
are spelling out stop signs
you both choose to ignore,
the two of you are half-drunk and
hellbent on making bad decisions
and when he kisses you,
your fingers stumble upon the blades of his hipbones
so much more defined than yours have ever been
an average of 1.8 people die every second and you discover
what it’s like to be that .8 of a person,
trapped between breathing and being buried and
the hounds that are devouring your heart
every minute
ask you how you dare to be soft
in the face of a boy who only falls for the sharpness of
porcelain angels -
you do not wake up next to him. you both pretend
it never happened.it all goes wrong around here:
the corner store where your mother
used to buy bathtubs of antiseptic
but never managed to actually clean out
the things growing inside your heart
but right now you’re standing in the aisle
where you’re clutching the birthday money
your grandmother sent you
in one gargoyle palm and
trying to decide between diet pills and
halloween candy and suddenly
it all swings around like
a baseball bat
like you’ve always kind of
been in the middle of a car crash and
the impact
just caught upso no one loves you. or no one’s
loved you the way you wanted them to.
it’s just a body, you say, looking in the mirror. it’s just a fucking body.
when you find an angle you like,
you wish Medusa was real. you wish she’d grab your face and keep you like that forever.
a statue. static and cold.
it all goes wrong. it all goes wrong.
it all goes wrong and you just want the cars to hit each other.
you just want to be still. to be stone.
Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand–and melting like a snowflake…
Francis Bacon (via fyp-philosophy)
obit